Top Ten Things You’ll Never Hear a Dad Say?

Special acknowledgement to Yahoo Answers contributor wordtwoyamum for contributing this list.

10. Well, how ’bout that?… I’m lost! Looks like we’ll have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you’re thirteen, you’ll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won’t that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain “up yours” attitude … I like that.

7. Here’s a credit card and the keys to my new car — GO CRAZY.

6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend … you might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don’t know what’s wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies — you know — that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring — now quit your belly-aching, and let’s go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

1. Father’s Day? aahh — don’t worry about that — it’s no big deal.

Top 10 Dumbest Questions on Yahoo Answers

… and my answers. :-\

1. Could I be pregnant?
2. Evaluate this mathematical expression.
3. Is (s)he cheating on me?
4. Atheists / Christians, explain THIS!
5. Why doesn’t Barack Obama / Hillary ____?
6. What exercises to lose weight from _____ body part?
7. Am I cute / ugly?
8. Does anyone know where do download (whatever) music / video for free?
9. Day X of my pregnancy, *-colored fluid, is this normal?
10. Other (write-in): ___

I want your clever answers, as well as your thoughts! My thoughts:
1. No, you’re fat.
2. No problem… I was just sitting around in fact, saying to myself, integrate something.
3. Only because you’re an insecure dweeb, and your brother isn’t.
4. No. And be quiet. BOTH sides are wrong, and we’re tired of you.
5. Because they’re running and you aren’t.
6. You can’t get a smaller trunk without a smaller car. OK?
7. If you’re always asking if you’re cute, that’s actually pretty ugly.
8. Sure, there are plenty of illegal places.
9. That’s WAY too much info.

Superman - Superhero or Average Alien?

Another excellent question from Yahoo Answers.  My response: 

He came to earth illegally, and looking for a job saving humanity that could be done by an EARTH superhero who is now out of a job!!! I say deport him back to Krypton. 

Then again, look at the people who COULD save the world but don’t… maybe he’s just doing a job that nobody here would take.

Tell me it ain‘t true….

Top 10 list: Reasons Not to Do Your Homework

1. Because the voices told me to polish the guns and get ready for Armageddon.
2. Because Timmy won’t let me take off the gag and zipper mask until I do HIS homework first.
3. Because they’d kick me out of my street gang.
4. Because the warden would just take the pen away from me and I’d no longer have a sharp object to stab the prison guard with.
5. “Reasons not to do YOUR homework”? Because it’s YOURS, not MINE.
6. Because 10 years from now, when I’m working for the man, the chances are like ZIP that he’s going to pin me down in my cubicle and say, “hey, a–hole, what was the central theme of The Purloined Letter and what was Sir Arthur Conan Doyle really trying to say in the final paragraph?”
7. Because it doesn’t fetch $3000 a pound on the street.
8. Because it’s a far better return on my time just to pimp my sister and use the money to pay the smart kid to do it.
9. Because it’s a year overdue.
10. Which of the following always did HIS homework:
   a) Ludacris
   b) 50 cent
   c) Usher
   d) The guy that heads up the office of meat inspection at the USDA.

Top 10 list: Why is it that people with “Jesus Fish” on their cars drive like idiots?

1.  Their reward might be in heaven, but they’re still hoping for pole position now that Dale Jr.’s out of the running.
2.  Do unto others… then hit the exit ramp.
3.  You see all the people next to them smacking their dashboards and shouting “Jesus &(%$ Christ!”?  It’s working.  Looking at all the people calling on the Lord in their time of need.
4.  Because if they acted like that on the bus, they’d be walking.
5.  They’re imitating Jesus.  And remember, Jesus didn’t know how to drive either.
6.  It’s not a fish.  It’s an image of skid marks.  And notice that they change sides.
7.  Once you believe in miracles, it’s one short step to believing you can pilot a Hummer full of brats down the Interstate while listening to an iPod, drinking a Big Gulp and putting on makeup.
8.  Because the people with Darwin symbols on their cars can’t see through all the smoke without rolling down the windows and losing a good buzz.
9.  Four words:  Matthew, Mark, ‘Ludes, and John.
10.  Anyone who believes people can walk on water probably also believes they can drive on acid. 

Top 10 List: What would be the worst song to play at someone’s second wedding?

Again, from Yahoo Answers. 

1. Foreigner’s “Feels Like the First Time”.
2. Reba McIntyre’s “When Whoever’s In New England’s through with You”
3. J. Geils Band’s “Love Stinks”
4. Nazareth’s “Love Hurts”
5. Alice Cooper’s “Welcome to My Nightmare”
6. Guns ‘n’ Roses’ “Welcome to the Jungle”
7. Dr. Hook’s “She was Only Sixteen”
8. Van Halen’s “Ain’t Talkin’ ‘Bout Love”
9. Queen’s “Fat Bottom Girls”
10. George Jones “He Stopped Loving Her Today”

Voted best answer.  Be sure to check out the link for other really funny answers!

Top 10 List: Why did Hillary Clinton fire her campaign manager?

Another one that appeared on Yahoo Answers. 

1. To get to the other side?
2. Because unknown to Speed Racer, her campaign manager, Patti Solis Doyle, was ‘Racer X’.
3. Patti’s chants of “Yes, We Can, Yes We Can” were not as motivating with her supporters as she thought they would be.
4. Because Doyle kept starting at a picture of Obama and saying, “He’s so dreeeeeamy! I could just hug him!”
5. Because she was tired of hearing Obama referred to as “The ‘cute Beatle’ of the political circuit… AND the smart one.”
6. So she could afford to make her health insurance payments.
7. Because she found a wad of Bill’s in Patti’s purse.
8. Because she didn’t have the time to turn her and her little dog into flying monkeys.
9. Because she failed to put down the rebel alliance on the remote planets of Alabama, Alaska, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Idaho, Kansas, Minnesota, N. Dakota, and Utah.
10. Because she suggested carpooling to her campaign office with fellow Democrat Ted Kennedy.

Top 10 list: Why does John McCain have such jowly cheeks?

This one appeared on Yahoo Answers. 

1. He’s storing nuts for the winter. So far he has only collected Ron Paul.
2. They’re swollen from kissing so much conservative a**.
3. Because talking out both sides of his mouth at the same time hurts his jaw muscles.
4. Because “fat-jowled men make the rockin’ world go ’round.”
5. Because it’s his constitutionally mandated right. You know, kind of like Kalashnikovs for deer hunters.
6. Hey, SOME part of him has to grow when he lies. And we know what part of Bill Clinton grew….
7. Because he’s huffing, and puffing, and he’s gonna blow…
8. The better to eat his words with, my dear.
9. So he can hold long rambling speeches in his mouth.
10. To hide his fangs.

Weird storefront juxtapositions….

Hopefully pictures to come.  These are all real.

Location: Dallas, TX, US 75 just south of I-635.  A casket store right next to “Boxes toGo”.

Location: Dallas, TX, formerly near Keller Springs and Preston (both stores have moved).  A Planned Parenthood right next to a Thai restaurant called “Bangkok Inn”.

Location: Plano, TX — Plano Bird Hospital, right next to a “Wing Stop”.

Location: Dallas, TX — Preston Road south of Beltline.  A store called Light Bulb Solutions… but the sign on the front only lights up partially at night.  What it says: “Bulb On”.

Let me know if you see others.  Pictures appreciated. :-)